Welcome to Emotional Disturbance Land

lata

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 07:37:44 GMT

anywho. i wont be writing in Lj anymore. have a nice life kids. if you really wanna talk to me or know how im doing. you have my number.

good luck in all your endeavors

im bouncin
lata
sarah

fuck it

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 19:08:54 GMT

gah. fucking a.

im just going to get a new livejournal, and only let like.. morgan have the damned address. since no one else fuckin pays attention to this one(cept for you megs). because if *certain* people were paying attention *certain* people would try and call me or talk to me, and try and make me not pissed off at those *certain* people

fuck this. honestly. from now on. this journal is only for the political and the philosphical of thought. my "friends" shall never be mentioned again.

fuck

sarah

The Other September 11th.

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 18:42:24 GMT

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<neruda's>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

"Es tan corto al amor, y es tan largo el olvido"
"love is so short, forgetting is so long"

"Mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada."
"my love feeds on your love, beloved."

excerpt from editorial by carolyn curiel in the Ny times:

<Neruda's timeless musings on lost love and the truths of the human heart — "Es tan corto al amor, y es tan largo el olvido" (Love is so short, forgetting is so long) — might alone prompt worldwide remembrance. But there is as much politics as prose driving this party. Chile's government wants to heal some old wounds. Many Chileans believe Neruda's death was hastened by the shock of the bloody coup that overthrew his friend, President Salvador Allende, a Socialist, and installed Augusto Pinochet as dictator on Sept. 11, 1973. Days before he died, Neruda lay bedridden as soldiers ransacked his home. "The only weapons here," he is said to have told them, "are words.">

that is the saddest damn thing ever! henry kissiger, and the CIA had a hand in killing pablo neruda by helping overthrow the DEMOCRATICALLY elected president, allende, and replacing him with pinochet.

that was on september 11th, 1973. when the democratically elected president of chile, who was trying to help his people and economy was overthrown with help from the CIA. and in his place, pinochet a horrible military dictator took over. why is it that we, as americans, dismiss this, and pay very little attention to things like this?

things we as a country over stepped our boundaries, and went into another country without warrant. we killed people, and for what? our fear of communism? was communism a real threat to us? no. most definitely not. so why not let the president of chile be, hes who the people wanted, and let him continue on his merry way.

you know *why* we did this? because in the 70's we were still all freaky about communism and allende was a marxist, and had founded the chilean socialist party before presidency.

"When he was elected as president in 1970 he became the first Marxist to gain power in a free democratic election. The new government faced serious economic problems. Inflation was running at 30 per cent and over 20 per cent of the male adult population were unemployed. It was estimated that half of the children under 15 suffered from malnutrition."

after that he decided to re-distribute the land, increased wages, and dis-allowed companies from increasing prices... for anything!

yeah. the american govt. really needed to step in right there. a struggling economy, and a man just trying to genuinely help his people. if anything we should have offered our assistance, since he was DEMOCRATICALLY elected, not killed him.

and you want to know what was put in his place? horrible military dictator.

"Pinochet immediately closed down the Chilean Parliament, suspended the constitution, banned all political and trade union activity and imposed strict controls over the media. Pinochet, who had appointed himself president, ordered a purge of the left in Chile. Over the next few years more than 3,000 supporters of the Allende regime were killed." "Pinochet was also responsible for thousands of people being tortured and large numbers were forced into exile."

goddamn. and neruda is a beautiful writer. like. i adore it with a passion. he wrote sonnet 17, as im sure i mentioned a thousand times prior to this.

so anyway. that is just a bit about pablo neruda. he was a socialist chilean who was a beautiful writer.

sarah

sexy men...oceans eleven

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 08:14:52 GMT

" you are no doubt, the worst pirate ive ever heard of"
" but you have heard of me"

maybe i should just tur into a pirate. could be fun.

work didnt suck too bad today, fortunately. i was at checkouts, and the time flew by. i covered electroncs, which meant that i got to wander around the store for like 20 minutes

after that i got to hang out with morgan all night :) it was most definitely quite pleasant :)

OMFG, watched a DAMNED great movie. i think its due in part to there being a shit load of damned sexy men in that movie, and there ebing a great plot.

that nice fitting long sleeve shirt with a nice jacket, and a tie thing.. will get me everytime. damn sexy.

lol, megan agrees.

hard to believe brad pitt is 40. in 20 years ill still be drooling over him, and my daughter will be asking me what the hell kinda crack im smoking. just like i do with my mom, and her odd taste.

anywho. im gonna go to bed soon. im exhausted-again

sarah

5 minutes left to live

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 21:39:33 GMT

damn. im a lazy bastard. slept 10 hours.. woke up and sat around. than decided i was kinda tired, and laid back down for another hour or so.

it feels good to rest though. i feel like i havent rested like this in years. and i really dont think i have. its refreshing.

of course, im going to have to go to work, and that will ruin it.

in other news, dogma is a damned good movie. i really enjoy it. watching it right now.
i think im going to have nick tape the daily show with jon stewart for me.

anywho. i had weird dreams last night of fireworks, and of people fighting me with swords.

i dont think ive ever dreamed of sword fighting. i never understood how people dreamed of things like that.but now i do!

gr. if only i had a computer in my room to type and use the internet on. i really really really really wish i had that. i wish i didnt have these bills. i wish that when i got a paycheck, that the money could be spent on something fun. like clothes shopping. or a cd. or a dvd. or some art supplies. or some books. or something that makes me happy. something other than 300$$$ worth of insurance.

but such is life. i suppose. the people that have money will always have money, and those that are without, definitely have a chance at making money, but they will have a damned harder time getting to the same place as the economically superior. and that is my OPTIMISTIC point of view on that one.

i think as soon as i turn 18 im going to try and get a job at costco. one of my good friends works there now, and hemakes enough to comfortably pay his 300 truck payment, and such.

anywho. i have to get moses neutered soon. which means a trip to sacramento. which means..gas money... and then money for the neuter.. ho hum. i suppose there are reasons i work myself to death.

im in a very bad mood right now apparently. lol.

i wish my godddamn parents would stop being dicks too. i understand that they have a hard life. but that is not my fault! not my goddamned fault.

i can NOT WAIT. until im 18. i can see where there are going to be more guilt trips " you are 18 and still living at home, blah blah blah". but i can stay out as late as i desire. i can do what i want.

you know i would try and spend more time at home, if my parents didnt suck so bad. like if i had my own place,a dn moses was with me. i would chill at home with moses a lot of the time, playing video games, and tinkering on the computer. and why? because im a damned geek

and that is ok? right? RIGHT. lol

i suppose my time will eventually come. something good will have to happen eventually. so far, ive got morgan. ive got moses. and ive got myself. and those are the good things in my life.

that and reeses peanut butter cups. mmm mmm good.

so im hoping that work is not toooo bad today. it is going to suck being up at checkouts again. i really wish i was in electronics :)
i heart otter pops
sarah

my damned leg

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 08:16:12 GMT

holy fucking shit

i just read chuck P's new short story.

ive never been so caught up in reding something so horrifying in my life. i didnt even respond to morgan that quickly and when i did, it was short.

christ almighty. it was damned good. damned good. gross as fuck. grosser than my rape stories. grosser than.. shit, i duno

good though. very good. minimalist writing style is hard for me, so i admire him.

http://www.fascinating-destroyer.net/kelly/chuckpalahniukguts.htm

sarah
ps. my leg hurts

gah

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 07:53:49 GMT

a teeny bit frustrated and alone right now.

i bet by morning this little bout will be over. but right now im abandoned by my friends again. its a rather easy feeling to describe, and understand, so im not going into great detail. other than morgan no one really attempts to hang out with me(he and people from work). none of my "good" friends even ask if i wanna hang out, i ask them.

maybe its cause i dont fit into their "groups". fine.tell me that, and tell me that you dont have time for me. dont let me sit here and wander.

work was good. we finished cleaning up the upstairs. i fucked around a lot all day with dan and with..everyone. even veronica, LOL.

i got desperate and bought crackers.. it was all i could afford to eat. it was good.

went to a god awful light display for the 4th of july with morgan and dan. was fun to be with the, but as i said, the display sucked.

after that iwent to morgans house :) i enjoyed my time there :)

gotsta bounce
sarah

Bill and Teds excellent adventures

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 17:14:23 GMT

hey livejournal

here we go again with the tired stuff, exhaustian.

had good dreams last night though. which makes me happy. at one point, mr and mrs lemenager were there, and i was like "whoa dude". and then they introduced me to who i thought was there son, but turned out to be some foreign guy that could only say "hello". lol, im assuming that came from me seeing that movie last night with morgan :)

which ended up being a good movie. i figured it would be, hence the tom hanks part of things. it was a bit long, and the love story didnt go the way that *i* prefered it to go. nonetheless i really enjoyed the movie. it even made me tear up a few times.

like when there are truly good acts of human.. compassion, its very moving. maybe im just a weenie. probably am.

moses didnt ruin anything in my room, thank goodness. right now hes just sleeping at my feet, and it hink im going to join him, although bill and teds excellent adventures are on.. GOTTA LOVE bill and ted! keanue reeves was damned attactive back in the younger days, lol.

i working another 8.5 hours in electronics. at least i get the... looking up to that i like. like, once you get a set of keys, and are seen in the store by the new kids they are like "whos she" or in shauns case "whos he". and than they ask " whats the keys for, why arent they at checkouts?" and i used to be the one to tell them that they are floor workers, and are in a certain department, but now i am! MWAHAHHAAH

which is totally sweet, and im glad im wokring with veronica this weekend. shes hilarious. yesterday she paged me ovr the intercom to the pet food isle, where she was sitting on the floor reading ad signs. there was an alpo dog food, 2 for 5 sign under the cans of cat food that were 29 cents. so she was sitting there laughing her ass off, and thought she would share the hilarity of the situation, lol.

so im not sure what im going to do tonight. im still thinking of going to the fireworks. or maybe ill just go home and be my anti social self. that is always nice. ill play with my dog. or holly invited me to some party. she wants to get me drunk again, thought it was funny. but i am not happy with holly, so this will probably not happen.
anywho

talk to you later
sarah

hoooooooo hum

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 08:14:07 GMT

brrr im frozen. its chilly in here

i just got back from seeing the terminal with morga :) good movie :0 i was glad to be with him!

im exhausted. 8.5 hours at k mart will take the wind out of your sails. aiy yia yia. but it was good. more freedom. more work. less irritated with customers=good electronics.

and a rambling incoherent sarah. yawns<--------

nuthing really all that spectacular happened at work. which is good. i just wanted a quiet normal workday

am thinking of attending the fireworks this year. last year was one of the first times i saw big fireworks, but it was from afar.

and one year i was at lexi's house. from her gorgeous house you could see three sets of fireworks, p villes, sacs, and one other... im not sure where. and that was all from the comfort of her pool. ahhh. that was fun

but that is the extent of my firework... viewing, lol. that and CP lake the otherday.

happy fourth of july kids

tomorrow if i go, ill end up sitting next to some fat woman wit soccer children *shivers* geh

goddamn. im tired. my ankle hurts. my dog is being weird. and im easily irritated right now

sleep is the only answer
sarah

8 1/2 hours!

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 17:20:22 GMT

goddamn

woke u phella late this morning... meaning iwanted to be up before 10, and im.. up at ten!

i have such a long boring day ahead of me. i had been kind of dreading(spl?) it becuase of the shaun thing, and the fighting. but at least since hes civil in his post, i think things will be ok

im gonna have to go and find the button that allows me to keep from lettng anon users post. whomever has been posting has been.. making me mad! not to mention that they are slamming morgan, and that REALLY pisses me off.

gah, im soooo not wanting the awake half of things right now. oh, and this is great, moses is going to be alone.. all... day.... long :( i wish i had a doggy sitter to come and let him out for a bit, and kinda take care of him. but no, im working. for 8 1/2 hours :( pooor baby is gonna be all sad today

yesterday after i got off work i drove over to morgans house *insert big grinny smiley face*. hes such a sweetheart. i was so content, and was in a giggly mood :) god, im so happy to be with him.

always yours my little livejournal
sarah

LOL

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 22:18:19 GMT

conan o briens SAT questions:

quentin tarantino is to:
Kill bill

as

Hillary Clinton is to:
No seriously: Kill Bill

-------------------------------

French Open is to:
Balls played with and hit all around paris

as

Paris Hilton is to:
See "French Open"

YAY

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 22:12:31 GMT

RAWR hear me RAWR!

i totally fuckin slapped writers block in the face today. i wrote pages 26-33 today! thats like 7 friggin pages. i feel so much better. i did an outline of how the book is gonna go. its no longer as profound as it should be, but its still hard hitting but its slightly entertaining now

at that: conan o brien is on ;)
sarah

im am a hippie!

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 18:57:14 GMT

took a personality test and here are the results:
-----------------------------------------------------------------

You are an SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a hippie. You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.

Please don't get even with this web site.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

its funny how internet tests really can kind of nail you down. i mean, that test got me pretty well

sarah

Good Morning!

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 18:37:23 GMT

heya livejournal

well :) yesterday i got to spend the day with morgan. he was still feeling kinda sick, and i felt really bad that i couldnt just magically make him feel better.

we hung out and watched a movie, the daily show with jon stewart, and than went to his house. we ate dinner, and than just kinda laid around and watched tv. it was really pleasant.

like, i enjoy going out on the boat with nat, etc. but i think my favorite thing in the world is just being with and hanging out with morgan. its.. calming.

as he started to fall asleep in my lap, i almost started crying. i missed him so much. and omfg.

and *sigh* im so happy :)

shaun really really pissed me off last night. it was one of those "i cant really forgive you for what you are saying" types of things. so yeah. no forgiveness shall come spouting out of me anytime soon

i joined megans new cute little forum, shes part of the admin! fun eh?!?!

gotta bounce. feel like sleeping more
-sarah

as the watery girl rises from her mystic grave

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 09:01:55 GMT

OMFG

thank goodness and all that is along those lines in this world.

morgan asked me to get back together with him.

omg. i want to kiss the friggin ground that he walks on. i missed him so much, and was so.. empty feeling.

fuck everything out there that is ever going to try and make us not be together. ill bi-atch slap it.

my stomach feels a hundred times better. i just finished crying, out of happiness.

i dont think that ive ever felt like this for someone.

sarah

OMFG

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 07:56:19 GMT

omfg.

just got back from fahrenheit 9/11... beautiful. i cried. i didnt leave the theatre until the credits had roled.

that movie was powerful. it was factual, organized, follow a chronological timeline through prez's idiocy, professional, emotional, and raw. best damn documentary since bowling for columbine

bush is a terrib terrible man. he is an idiot to boot. to follow him blindly into a war that we did not belong in was a sin. a goddamn sin.

and people that supoprted him through ignorance, or through being corrupt are all going to get the karma kicking them in the ass. THEIR children arent the ones dying out there. they are not the ones loosing babies

fuck bush. fuck him. i cant stand him

sarah

aiy yia yia

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 03:14:53 GMT

aiy yia yia

morgan is sick, and im worrying myself like a mother friggin hen
i am really hoping hes doing ok, and im sure i got annoying calling like 2x today to make sure he was ok.

i am just hoping that he beats it, and gets better soon

work was kinda interesting. two new chicks, andrea, and marianne are both really nice. roger is weird, and roland is gonna be in les electronics

asked for more hours, and she stuck ME in electtronics. oiy

im not working tomorrow *cheering and applauding* which is good.

sarah

what a day

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 18:59:28 GMT

alright day 2 of being single, but not really single. hard to explain that really. my heart is still with morgan, but im not. this is one of the worst feelings ive ever had to deal with.

not to mention dreams last night. unpleasant at first, and than nightmares. that really sucked

and im not sure if hes still hurting becuase of us actually breaking up, or if hes just upset because i am. either way, i wish he would feel better.

i dont even really feel.. alive right now. just kinda chillin at my house. not feeling anything other than hurt and not doing any life sustaining actions, like eating.

ill get better eventually. i always do. i suppose hurt is just always going to follow happiness.

sarah

why

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 08:07:33 GMT

well

i am tired. exhausted. im tired of crying

all i want is to be with him.

i am physically ill right now. my stomach is extremely upset. my head is light. ive been dizzy. i havent eaten. i cant eat. i dont wnt to get out of bed in the mornng

sarah

hm

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 22:26:50 GMT

wow, i love michael moore. hes on conan. i need to go watch

everyone is being so understanding. i dont want to hear people telling me ill do better, etc. i wanna let people tell me he was wonderufl, but it was needed

sarah

agan

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 18:45:42 GMT

aye time again it is for a little conversation with an entity that i like to call, my livejournal.

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

pretty kewl eh? so despite being hurt and depressed, i can still take stupid as hell internet quizes
aiy yia yia

bill is helping out a lot. he says pretty nice things. and since hes like around my parents age, i dont expect culture, class, intelligence or the ability to write

Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]

What Kind of Shoe Are You?(Updated with new results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

sarah

update update

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 17:41:17 GMT

gah

i really need to write to feel better. not better, just less nauseous. i dont even think i spelled that f*ing word correctly.

talking to bill on the net is soothing. hes like... an older wiser calmer version of someone that is supposed to be a good friend. offers more stability then my friends

moses is not sure what to make of me. been crying for a long time now. and he just is pavy and ansy, and nervous. i feel bad. but i cant help it. he came over and licked my tears, which in turn made me cry harder, becasue it reminded me of kash. who aslo

just like most things in my life, kash left. just like jeff did. just like travis did. just like morgan has.

but morgan hasnt left for good. we ended on extremely friendly.. oddly loving terms. i cant stand to think that he may be mad at me

sarah

10:12

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 17:15:49 GMT

10:15 in the morning. not sure whether to call someone or not.

crying is starting to hurt. i cant keep crying.

have been now for going on two hours. i fell asleep staring off, blinking back silent tears that threatened to fall back into my eyes

how can one love so much... and not... be able to keep something that is so special

i suppose ill eventually be ok. but for now. im not. im dying on the inside. i dont even want to think about food. or showering. or getting dressed. or walking. or doing anything other than laying here in my little puddle of tears and bawling my eyes out until i regurgitate an organ

im going to neurotically update this until i feel better

sarah

random updating

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 16:49:22 GMT

still not doing well. didnt go back to bed. stayed awake. stil watching morgans name on the screen.

called jake to see what hes up to, and if hes going to the cave. no, hes working, but im invited to his house tonight. whoopdi doo
already promised shaun i would hang out. watch bowling for columbine. must get more people to accompany us.

called dan. he doesnt get celly reception. am missing morgan.

why :( christ. if i could just figure out why. i dont understand. not in the least.

thank god moses is here. hes a life saver, he and conan. but at the same time, conan reminds me of morgan.

...

*tear drop*

sarah

no no no please god no

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 16:02:36 GMT

these totally sucks.

morgan and i arent together anymore

im so devoid of any feeling other than pain right now that i dont even feel like getting out of bed. but i did just now, becuase moses needed to go out.

last night was possibly one of the single most difficult things ive done. he means so much to me. all the things we did together. the things we wont do anymore. i wont wave goodbye to him anymore. or walk him to his car. or see him on my days off.

im not gonna get to go to santa cruz with him. im not going to marry him (if you kids make fun of me for that one, ill slit your damn throats) i am not going to get to feel his love and caring anymore.

and throughout the entire time ive had that song "accidentally in love" from shrek 2 stuck in my head. i dont know if i can even think about that movie without crying

im sitting here now watching his name on the computer. hes not online. which is weird. hes always online, at least away.

i know that things had been said that werent nice. but i dont care. they meant nuthing, both of us were hurt and in pain, and didnt know how to deal with it.

why didnt i ever tell him how much i loved him? why did i wait until 6 in the morning to tell him? why am i still crying when my tears are dried up from the night before.

i think its harder because neither one of us wanted to break up. i begged him to stay, to not leave me. and he seemed to contemplate it for a second. false hope. he was resolute, it was for the best.

how can the best take away that feeling of total happiness?

ok well im done for now.

i am exhausted. im crying. im starving. im not happy. i am not ok. and i dont know what i want right now. whether i want to be hone alone. or out with friends. or.. i want to be with him. that is what i really want. i want him to wake up, me drive up there, and cuddle up with him in his room. and do nuthing but listen to his itunes, and tickle him once in a while. i want that back. THAT is what i want to do.

i hate this. i really do. i want him back.
sarah